I didn't go to see Tyler this weekend, just couldn't muster up the energy to go out and watch him play games, and didn't have the money to take him to do anything. I wish he would come out here. Maybe he will now that I have internet again. I don't know how long he will have to be making up missed days on Saturday, but perhaps when he is done he will come out.  No word from Erin yet, my texts still go unanswered. Mom texted her and told her I wanted to take Tilly, Erin told mom she had found a home for her. She also told mom she would text me, we will see. I am hoping to go down and see Zoey next weekend, not sure how that will go if Erin is still pissy with me.


Not much communication with Scott this weekend. I know he is working through a lot right now, but he doesn't seem to understand that I still need reassurance from him. More that just an I love you or an I miss you every once in a while. I need to know that putting my life on hold for the next few years is not for nothing, that we love each other, and things are going to be okay. I guess I don't really know what I need from him, but I need more than I'm getting.


Over all a long boring, lazy weekend. Several short walks with Ellie, nothing to be excited about. Should have taken her out to the lake, or gone to visit Penny. I need to do more than just sitting around the house thinking about how lonely I am....Goal for this week, Visit Penny one day after work....

same crap, different year..........

well...once again it's been about a year since I last posted. Not a whole lot has changed in that year....OK, I take that back, one major change...I'M A GRANDMA!!! Zoey Grace is the most adorable baby, no, I'm not biased at all. Michael and Morgan are proving themselves to be great parents. Very attentive and patient. They are good with each other as well. I don't get to see her nearly as often as I would like. They are living with Erin in her apartment, I think that situation could be better, but they seem to be making it work. They are in the process of looking for a new place, they would like a house, but sounds like they will be moving to another apartment. A larger apartment, with a washer and dryer so that will be good for them. Still only two bedrooms, but I think they will do okay.  Erin won't be able to take Tilly, which has become a real sticky point. She asked me to take her and didn't catch me at my best and I said something not very nice, she took that to mean I would not take Tilly, which is not the case. She has not talked to me in about 2 weeks. No replies to my texts of phone calls. I have told her repeatedly that I would take Tilly until she is in a place where she can have her. Michael tells me she is looking for, and has probably found someone to take her. I think she will regret it, and will want her back at some point. I wish she would reconsider. I wish she would talk to me, but I guess I just need to let her do her thing.  Tyler doesn't come out here to visit me. I've been going to his house to hang out with him. It works out ok, I usually take a load or two of laundry to do while I'm there. The visits usually involve me watching him play video games, unless I can afford to take us to the movie or something like that. I know he is getting older and needs less from me, but it would be nice to spend time with him when he isn't playing games. 


Still alone, although I'm finding that I don't seem to mind it quite as much as I used to. I find that I do enjoy some time to my self, but I do need to find something to do that gets me out of the house. Ellie and I walk at the lake once in a while, but I need to do something around other people. I need to make some friends. It's hard to find something to do when there isn't much money in the budget. Not to mention it's hard with the hours I've been working. Getting up at 330 in the morning requires going to bed early and that doesn't leave much time for a social life.


 Scott and I are trying to work things out, it's slow going. And with all his legal stuff hanging over his head, it looks like he is going to be gone for a good while. I'd like us to have a good strong foundation to build on while he is gone, but it is so hard to work on. He has been spending time here at that house, which is nice, but also sad because he can't stay. He goes back to Tulsa and that is hard for me. I'd like him to stay here, but I know he has responsibilities there, things he must attend to. We don't have much contact when he is gone and that is hard for me. I would like to be talking/texting with him all the time, while we have the chance. It won't be long before all we can do it write letters, and that's always hard, it's always one sided and questions don't get answered, things don't get said. I guess that really isn't much different than it is now. Questions don't get answered now. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't even read my texts, just sends the same replies..."I love you, I miss you" nothing of substance. I feel like there is a lot we need to work out, figure out, before he goes. I know he is having a hard time at the moment, but he needs to help me get this stuff figured out. I want to be here for him, but I need to know that when he returns home it's just going to be the two of us, with no outside influences.  No other parties in the relationship. I need reassurance and I'm not getting it. I'm sure he needs things he is not getting too. All stuff that needs to be addressed if this is going to work. Relationships are hard, and it's going to be even harder with him being away, for who knows how long.